Sorrow

I've watched my children play more often this weekend.  I've studied their smiles.  I've hugged them and told them that I will always be with them in their hearts and their minds even if there is a time when they can't see me.  I've felt guilty when I've had to be stern with them or didn't have time to play with them because all I want for them is to be joyful and safe.  If they only knew how much I love them!  

I have intentionally avoided any media about this horrible act.  I simply cannot allow myself to see the images or hear the stories, because it all hits too close to home.  I started to tell Jackson what happened, I felt like he needed to know.  Kids will be talking, I'm sure.  He broke down, cried and said he was scared before I even began.  So I stopped, because I know how incredibly sensitive he is.  I stopped because I don't want him to know that such horrific things really happen.  He doesn't know anything, and now I worry that he will find out from a child.  That his mother won't be there to comfort him, just as those little ones didn't have their mothers there to comfort them. 

Luke bit his tongue this afternoon and there was blood everywhere.  He is a dramatic kid.  In the midst of his pain he screamed, "Jesus help me!"  It took all I had not to break down as I thought of those little sweet children, gone to school to learn and to play.  "Jesus, help me," I'm sure more than one of them thought.  

I've gone to bed with tears in my eyes and awakened the same way.  I cry for those sweet children and for their parents.  I cry because this could have happened to MY child.  I can't contemplate the terror that those little ones felt.  I can't contemplate the grief their parents must feel.  Here I am with sadness in my heart so far removed,  hoping and praying that I never know the intensity of the sadness that those left behind must be feeling.  

I believe that these children are with their Father in Heaven now.  I hope they have no recollection of what happened to them.  I have hope that they are playing and happy. That their Savior and loved ones gone before and teachers are caring for them, just in a different classroom. 

Despite my urge to keep my children safe at home with me, I will send them to school tomorrow.  I usually drop my kids off at the curb in the morning, but not tomorrow.   Tomorrow, I will walk my kids into school because a part of me is scared to leave them there.  I won't walk them to their classrooms because the world has changed a little and  I'm not allowed to go past the main entrance any longer.  I will worry about them all day and every day to come.  


But, I won't let my fears change the fact that life has to go on.  We have to find the strength inside to have faith and trust.  We cannot let one horrible act dictate our actions.  We have to remember that there is SO much good in the world.  There are so many wonderful people who love and help and care.   

We have to believe that we can make a difference.   We can make more of an effort to smile and greet each person that we pass.  We can let them know that someone cares, even if they are in despair.  We can love a little deeper and be a little kinder.  We can be grateful for the the miraculous blessings in our lives and look out for those that are struggling.  We can make sure that those little lives were not lost in vain.  We can remember them and use their memory to guide us to do more and to be better and to love more fully in everything we do.  

I will remember this time.  And, I will keep living with hope and faith and courage in the future.