A few weeks ago, we had a change in our daily schedule. The boys were playing nicely downstairs so I decided to turn on the television to listen while I got dressed. Since we get very few channels because I have yet to get a Dtv box, the only acceptable choice was Regis and Kelly. I listened to them banter back and forth as I heaved my extra thirty pounds out of bed, put on my oh-so thick compression hose to alleviate the swelling and, hopefully, prevent the varicose veins that this little one has added to my anatomy from sticking around. The pain in my hips had awoken me several times during the night, so I was tired. I put on my socks by pulling at the ankle of my pants until I could get my leg to rest on my knee, since I can no longer do it on my own. I had a coughing fit from the Bronchitis and sinus infection that I had going on, unable to take anything that would give me relief. (I won't be so bold as to write about what happens when a pregnant woman stresses the body through violent coughing, but if you've been there you know. It's not pretty.) I got out my glucometer to stab myself with a needle, the first of four more checks throughout the day.
Then, Kelly showed pictures of finalists in the Cutest Baby Contest, a contest that I knew nothing about as it had been years since I have watched the show. The pictures were of babies with food all over them. Maybe that is the type of picture that they asked to be sent in? I thought of the perfect picture that I have of Luke after he devoured some ice cream on a stick last summer. Kelly announced the winner and I begin to SOB because MY Luke should have won this contest!. Rationally I knew that there is no way for a child to win a contest that they haven't been entered in, but with pregnancy hormones raging it really didn't matter. He should have won! Soon, screaming from downstairs ensued and I had to cut the weeping session short and go comfort one, punish the other and clean up the mess.
I am not sure why this pregnancy has been harder both physically and emotionally than the other two. Maybe it is because I am officially of "advanced maternal age". When I think of my friends who have loads of kids I realize that they had them long ago and aren't tied down to the baby stage anymore. (Something that seems pretty appealing.) Maybe it is because my body wasn't as fit as it was when I was carrying the other two. Maybe it is because I was still nursing and barely past the one year mark with Luke when I found out the shocking news. It could be that we are far from our family and life long friends who, surely, would be here to take care of us in the weeks after baby comes. Or that, as much as I'd like to be the type of mommy who wakes up singing and dancing, eager to play with her 6 or 7 children all planned 18 months apart, I am not. I love that my kids are 4.5 years apart. They are really starting to enjoy each other and Jackson can be so helpful (well, 1/2 the time anyway). I loved those years when Jackson was independent enough for me to sit and read while he played at the park. If I had planned for another baby, I would have waited another year. I feel guilty that little Luke won't have more time to be the baby. And, then, I feel guilty about my reservations about this little one who will join us in a couple of weeks.
Whatever it is that makes this time more difficult and as much as my fears of this new change bother me, I find that as time goes on I am getting more and more excited about meeting this new guy. (And spending two whole days in the hospital without having to clean a thing!) Now that I'm not sick anymore I'm feeling pretty good and enjoying his final little squirms on the inside. I know how quickly the time will go by and how much I will miss the early stages. I look at Luke and wish I could freeze time. He is so affectionate and so darling as he learns and imitates. I feel like we are getting close to being ready for the baby in the physical sense. We're getting a lot done and he will have a lot of love surrounding him. I'm excited to learn who he is and to see the difference in personality from Jackson and Luke. Although I'm sure it is going to be tough at first, (and, oh boy, the shock poor little Lukie has in store for him) I know that this is God's plan for our family and that always ends up being a better plan than my own. So, welcome number three to the chaos that is the Wilkins' family. We can't wait to meet you.
14 comments:
Number three was hard trying to do everything, but man, it's so nice to have been there and done that. You'll be way more relaxed which is nice all around. Hooray for number three!
Denise- I feel your pain!!!! You will get through it all and look back and ask where has the time gone! Look at me- my oldest is almost in YW! It goes by so fast! But I have to say I sure do love the independence my kids have. What is baby #3's name?
I'm sorry this one has been tough for you. I have no idea what a #3 is like. I'm glad you are excited about him when you're not in pain that is. I do remember with Dayle, even though she was the only one, that my logic wasn't always there, but I'm going to say it anyway. Not trying to make you feel bad at all either. But you are SO fortunate that you have this opportunity, so many woman don't. You'll wonder someday how y'all survived without him. And maybe he and Luke are going to be inseparable!
Denise, I too feel your pain, (especially the coughing thing..) even though I'm only on #2. There are a lot of worries with kids this close. But like you said, God has a plan. And I keep comforting myself that my 2 younger brothers, (23 mos apart) grew up really close and were best friends as kids. They're still really close, even though they're such different people now.
I remember you grandmother saying, "number 3 is easier because by that time you know what you are doing and the adjustment from 2 to 3 is easier." (By the way you father was number 3) She also said that the unexpected child turned out to be the ones you leaned on in later life. They are the unexpected blessing. She was a very wise woman and she knew a lot about being a mother. Remember she had 6 children! She was a great woman. You will do just fine, you are a strong woman and I really am proud of you and how you raise your children. You do fantastic. I was noticing your due date. OH my goodness. If you are one day early....there will be 3 others in the family that will share the same birthday. I imagine your little fella would rather have his own "special" day. But can you imagine 4 on the same birthday! WOW... Well you take care of yourself...get as much sleep as you can now...Luv and hugs!!!!
Hey D, I want to second the above comment. #3 was my most enjoyable experience. I was well aquainted with motherhood (as are you) and I didn't know if it would be my last, so I soaked it all in, every feeding and every diaper change. (little did I know that I would be pregnant when she was 9 months old!!) Pregnancy is very difficult. You feel old and tired and worn out. I was only 29 with my last pregnancy, but I felt like you do. It is not fun and you feel so useless...just know that it will pass and you will feel lots better in a few months. Having a newborn is tough, but I would take that anyday over being pregnant. You hang in there, and I promise that #3 will be a true blessing for you. I can already read it in your description, you really have this mom thing down, and all number 3 has to do is come in and be loved by you. (Which he will be!) The other thing...you need the baby stages, yes they are lots and lots of work, and your house is NEVER clean, but its those cute baby memories that help you not get AS angry at your teenagers and preteens...so as hard as these times are, they ARE very necessary for the well being of your future teenagers! love you and you are doing great!!
I am there with you Denise. Dan (#3) was my hardest pregnancy and his labor was longer than I expected but his delivery was really good (3 contractions and he pushed out, all 10 lbs 3/4oz). Ben to Tom is 2 years 3 days and from Tom to Dan 20 months. Once you find your groove it is nice. I am starting to get there. Crying for no reason is good for you:)It's okay for it to be hard.
Denise You are a wonderfull mom and daughter. Off course we will come out to help out after Grant is born. I can tell you one thing 3 it the perfect #. So soon you are a family of 5 how wonderfull. Try to just think positive thoughts and as time passes things will actually fall into place. Luke will be fine. If you feel down just think of that octo-mom and smile because you have it made. You are such a smart and strong woman. Those boys are so lucky that you are their mom. Remember you come from a family of 5 and it worked out great if you ask me. I wouldn't have it any other way. It will be soon let us know when you need us we will be there. LY
So, the third one was when, in the wise words of Dr. Myers, our pediatrician, that I learned I wasn't omnipotent. You do things radically different from the first to the third. Right after Jackson was born I remember you saying to me, "I can't believe how much I love him already." You will feel the same way about that sweet spirit you are now carrying. We can't wait to meet him either. Love, Mom
You know I feel your pain since you've had to hear me whining about all my pregnancy woes. Just think you have less than one month to go (I'm so jealous, August can't come soon enough). You'll do great with #3. Yes, it will be an adjustment for Luke, but I'll bet he'll warm up quickly to his new brother.
GOOD LUCK!
I love you! I wish you were closer. I would surely be one of the ones to help you after this little one is born, if that were the case. Hang in there, my friend. Things are going to turn out to be so wonderful in the end! HUGS!
D- You are having totally normal feelings. I'm sorry but nobody "soaks in and loves every feeding and every diaper change." You love your kids and you are a great mom. #3 will be lucky to be born into the your family. You're a pro- don't worry about it but feel okay that you are normal in worrying about it.
30 pounds? If only that was all the extra I was heaving out of bed those last few weeks! I know it is still uncomfortable, healthy weight gain or not...I remember feeling happy and guilty right before I went to the hospital to have Maya. I knew as I was putting Shayne down that night and lying down next to him that it would be the last time with him as the baby and I cried as I layed there in the dark with him. It was bittersweet! But the second Maya came into the world, she was one of us :) Just know we are all thinking of you as the day draws near. We love you :)
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