Thankful ... again.

Grant had his follow up with the pediatric gastroenterologist today. The whole experience was irritating to me. I didn't realize that the appointment was in another city until minutes before we had to leave. I threw Luke's coat and boots on and ripped Grant from his crib. As I was feeling pretty proud of myself for getting us in the car just in time to MAYbe be on time I noticed something that I had ignored earlier ... that we were in DESPERATE need of gas. And, so, we stopped.

My type A personality makes me ridiculously frenzied when I am late. (At least that is how I feel on the inside.) Even though, we had to wait at several lights and I had to get the stroller out AND convince a defiant two-year-old that the it was Lightening McQueeen, we actually got to the doctor's office only 5 minutes late. They took us back almost immediately, but not before I took note of two or three children in specialized wheelchairs. Or before Luke spotted the coolest toys that I have EVER seen in any doctor's waiting room. Screaming ensued as I snatched Luke from the toys and we were led to the exam room. Then, more screaming as we had to leave the exam room to go all the way down the hall for height and weight. We waited for the doctor for 55 minutes. The time actually went by pretty quickly. We had been waiting 50 minutes when I thought to look at my watch. Grant was freezing since he had been dressed in only a diaper this whole time. (Someone actually asked me if I brought him from home dressed in just a diaper. In the winter. In Michigan.) I decided that we would take a walk and get another toy with which to play. And that is when the world, for me, stopped for just a few minutes.

There was no one in the waiting room except us, at this time. I was so flustered, in my haste, when we first arrived that I really didn't think much of the waiting room scene. But, now, when all I had was time, I watched a mother wheel her 4-7 year old (it is so hard to tell with some disabilities) down the long hall to the scale. I watched as she unstrapped him and reached under his arms to lift him to the scale. His weak neck muscles couldn't keep his head up at all and his head rested, face down, on her shoulder, his rigid arm bouncing in the air. (Since a great majority of my time prior to my mommy status was spent working with people who have disabilities this scene was nothing new to me. But in that moment, I was caught off guard and I was watching through my mommy lens.) Just then, the doctor came by and we went in for the appointment.

We drove home, all the while, Grant was screaming because he was hungry. I picked up Jackson from a friends house and somehow caused him to fall flat on his back. Jackson poked at Luke until they were beating each other in the back seat. When we got home, Jackson and Luke decided to go outside to play in the snow. And then, when all was quiet, I sat down to feed Grant. And my own negative voice (that narrates most of my days) just stopped. I looked at my almost perfect baby and watched my strong boys playing through the window. And I thought about that mother weighing her son. A rush of gratitude engulfed me.

I am so thankful that I have three beautiful and able bodied and minded children. I am grateful that Jackson is able to use his body to work so hard outside making giant snowballs to build a fort. I am grateful that my children have the mental capacity to understand and be understood. That they laugh. Although Jackson sometimes drives me crazy with his picking on Luke, I love that he is now making faces on the window and throwing snowballs at Luke who is falling over laughing on the bed. I'm blessed to be able to feel that happiness.



Although Grant doesn't sleep the way I want him to and I am ALWAYS exhausted, I am thankful that he is content to sit and watch all of this happen so that I can write this... and think... and feel. I have a husband, who may have worked late on my birthday, but goes to work everyday for our family, who comes home and reads and plays with his children. I miss my lifelong friends but I have sweet women, who don't even know me that well, that took me out to lunch on my birthday and even brought me gifts. Another mother offered to bring Jackson home with her today (even though none of her own children were going to be at home) so that I wouldn't have to pay a babysitter. I have wonderful parents and in-laws who are actively involved in my life. I have sisters who love me. I have a home and food and water and so much love in my life. Believe it or not, although I am going to have to be the one to clean it up, I am grateful that Luke has found an old roll of wrapping paper and is unraveling it all over this room acting completely crazy.



I am grateful because he can use his arms to make a mess...or hug me. And because he is here. And because I'm not searching for him in rubble from an earthquake. I can walk 10 feet and have a clean drink of water. I am blessed.